


One Last Chance

by JenniferHawke



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Destroy Ending, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/M, PTSD, Post-Reaper War, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2018-07-25 11:11:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7530442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenniferHawke/pseuds/JenniferHawke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Now that the Reapers are defeated, Shepard and Garrus can start a new life together. But some scars are not so easily hidden. With no enemy in sight, Shepard finds one in herself, the cold, calculated choices of war haunting her at every corner. Can she let go of her past, and embrace her future? A story of PTSD, survivor’s guilt, love and acceptance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: The good die young

Three choices lay before her. The path forward was of one mind; destroy the Reapers. For the last three years, the ever looming threat of death and destruction hounded her. These primordial machines existed for a singular reason - to end all advanced life. Biological life that had sought the stars and then reached them. To even contemplate not ridding the galaxy of these menaces would be madness in its truest form. 

So why did she pause?  Her bottom lip twitched, becoming wet with tears.

_ “Shepard I … love you too.” _

Garrus’ final words ached, as if a million rounds pierced her heart at once. She always knew how he felt, but hearing those three words aloud for the first time … the only time, that amendment she made ...  _ only time _ . That's why her tears welled up unbidden. She’d longed to hear those words from him for so long, and now that she knew the way they sounded coming from him, she’d do anything to hear them again and again. He promised her a life of retirement on a beach with a family to call their own.  _ If she survived. _ She had never pictured herself having a family of her own. Surviving the Reapers didn’t even seem a possibility. But hearing the words of promise come from her one true love made Shepard want that future with him, desperately so.

She blinked back those bitter tears and swallowed past the angry lump in her throat as she said goodbye to a dream that had barely begun to grow, torn away so cruelly by the theatre of war. She came here for one reason, and one reason alone.

The cycle must end, even if it meant her own demise.

The indubitable path lay ahead as she walked forward, each step seeming heavier than the last. She raised her weapon, the instrument of her fate. It seemed so difficult to lift, even though she’d held it in her grasp hundreds of times before. As she gripped the stock, she winced. The muscles in her shoulder burned as if ripping apart, the battle from before ringing a toll on her near broken body. She pushed the pain to the side.  Each second she delayed, more lives perished.

“I’m so sorry, Garrus. Please, forgive me,” she whispered hoarsely, and pulled the trigger, hammering the last nail in her coffin, no chance of turning back.

The first shot fired. The force from the bullet leaving her gun put pressure on her damaged arm, seeming to tear her muscles anew. Throughout the pain, an image of Thane flashed in her mind. Her trusted friend and ally. He died a hero’s death, his final actions erasing any suffering he may have caused. Perhaps, hers would too.

On the second shot, her mind produced a vision of EDI in her new form. She knew this path would end the AI’s life, and all like hers. But none were like EDI. She became so much more than a useful tool: a friend, a lover to Joker, someone Shepard trusted and respected. The lump in her throat rose again.  _ Don’t stop now,  _ she scolded herself.

On the third shot,  Anderson’s face came to view. The man had been a father to her, the only one since her own had perished so many years ago at the hands of batarian slavers. Anderson’s final moments had been stoic, calm. He believed in her, more than she believed in herself. This was for him, for the family she’d lost so long ago, and for all those fighting and sacrificing down below.

And on the fourth shot; Garrus. Her love. ‘ _ You’ll never be alone.’  _ Shepard had never been a religious woman, but she prayed to a God she hadn’t believed in since Mindoir. Begged whole heartedly that her promise to Garrus would hold true; that even in death she would always be with him, watching him from afar, as he lived a long, and happy life. The life he deserved, with or without her.

Tears ran down her cheeks as she let forth a scream, unloading shot after shot until a wave of unimaginable heat scorched her every nerve ending, as if it harnessed the power of the sun. Another shriek tore through her throat, violent at first, but soon becoming nothing, as the nerve endings in her throat seared with the rest of her.  

Debris covered her broken body, darkness consuming her sight. Shepard’s heart pounded furious in her chest, her brain yelling at her to move. But the fight in her soon vanquished as did the pain. Once the pain disappeared, she found herself relaxing. 

  
A calmness came over her, just as it had with Anderson in his final moments. Her breathing slowed and her mind ceased its panic. Shepard closed her eyes and thought of Garrus. Because of her, he would live. And that alone made everything worth it. For the first time in years, she felt nothing but peace and acceptance. Finally, she could rest.

And then, there was nothing but silence.

 

* * *

 

_ ‘Rest easy fearless warrior. You can sleep now, you can finally calm your bones. Breathe easy, noble saviour. Only human, still more valiant than us all. N _ _ obody ever said that victory came without casualties. They say the good die young, but they never really tell you that they never die alone.’ -  _  Lyrics from War, part 2 by Formal Vandal


	2. Come back to me

The days melded together as if time itself ceased to exist. Garrus became an empty shell, rising each morning with no true purpose. The Normandy lost contact with Earth nearly a week prior, and every second that bled on without knowing what happened to Shepard seemed to loathe its own passing. He felt useless. What if she were injured and alone? What if she …

No. He couldn’t afford those kind of thoughts. He couldn’t give up hope. If Shepard died, he would have surely sensed it. Something deep in his gut told him that the woman he loved yet lived. He needed to believe it, and would not admit defeat until he saw her for himself.

The door from the main battery whooshed open as he walked towards the main hall. A crowd gathered near the memorial wall, every single soul on board as silent as a ghost. They stood before the names of their fallen comrades. A new plaque sat directly in the center displaying the name:  _ Admiral David Anderson.  _ Liara stood at the front of the crowd, another plaque in her hand. Garrus didn’t bother asking, he knew whose name covered plank.

“Garrus,” Traynor nodded in his direction. Everyone else turned to look at him. Even Joker who appeared red eyed and exhausted. Ever since EDI shut down, the pilot kept to himself, much like Garrus had. The silence grew thick as they studied him as if some sort of unpredictable animal. He took a few steps forward until he stood next to Liara.

“I think you should be the one to do it,” Liara said softly, placing the plaque into his hands. He peered down at it, Shepard’s name written as clear as day. For moments on end he simply stared down at the object in his hands. For something so small, the weight of the world rested within it. One taloned finger ran across the length of her name, as if by carressing the letters, he would be able to feel her skin beneath his hands once more. He ached inside, his heart plunging straight to his guts. Everything about the scenario was wrong. Anger rose in his chest, replacing the agony that persisted just seconds before.

“No,” his voice came out firmly, fingers squeezing around the plank. “It isn’t right. We don’t know what happened to Shepard. Or Anderson for that matter.”

“Garrus,” Tali’s voice sounded from beside him, as she placed her hand on his shoulder. He shrugged her off, and came to stand before the rest of the crew.

“Why are you all so willing to give up on her so easily? This is Shepard we’re talking about!”

“Do not be so naive. You let your attachment to the commander cloud your reason,” Javik interrupted. Garrus’ eyes narrowed on the prothean. He’d been with the crew the least amount of time. It figured he would be the first to give up hope. He didn’t know her the way the rest did. He didn’t realize just how strong she was.

“That doesn’t mean she’s dead,” Garrus’ voice dropped, barely above a snarl.

“Scars, we get that this is hard. It’s hard on all of us.”

“James is right, Garrus.” Kaidan responded meekly from the back of the crowd. “She would want us to focus on getting out of here, wherever we are.” The major’s face appeared pale and devoid of emotion, as if he buried everything down beneath the surface. Garrus had always been one to react to grief much like Kaidan did now, but when it came to Shepard, the woman he loved, he couldn’t pretend he felt anything other than agony and helplessness.

“We thought to do right by honoring her with a few words,” Traynor said. He took in the meaning slowly, his guts twisting further. They were holding a memorial service of sorts. A memorial service for the  _ dead.  _ He pushed the plaque he held back into Liara’s hands aggressively.

“I can’t believe you’re all giving up on her. I’m almost glad she’s not here to see her crew forget her like this.”

“You know that’s not what we’re doing,” Liara responded, her voice bearing injury. His anger and fear caused his words to come out harsher than he intended, but to think that they might be right, that Shepard no longer breathed … it killed him inside.

“Do what you will, but I’ll have no part in it,” he sighed, and stormed off towards the elevator, letting the door close behind him. He needed to be left alone, away from prying eyes. It took him a few seconds to realize that, out of habit, he punched in the code that would take him to Shepard’s private quarters. He hadn’t stepped foot in that room since their last night together before the final battle. Before he lost her.

As the elevator opened, he took the few steps until he stood directly in front of her door. Garrus stared, his body nearly frozen in place. The heart within him rampaged, responding as if she were just beyond the threshold. He let out a deep breath, trying to sate his nerves before pressing forward.

He entered the room cautiously, his eyes taking in the space before him as if staring into it for the first time. It looked just as it always had, but somehow, it didn’t. With the warmth of Shepard’s presence absent, the entire room felt cold. He noted in the corner that her hamster Bonkers and his habitat had been removed. He vaguely recalled Traynor saying she would look after the critter, so he gathered that she must have taken him down to her room at some point. His eyes roamed to the desk, where so many evenings he would see her hunched over, reading a report on a data pad over and over. Half of the time she wouldn’t even hear him approach, always so focused on the war. Even during her downtime. Garrus took it upon himself to try and ease her burden. He would quietly come to stand behind her, and take her shoulders between his fingers. She’d immediately relax her posture as the rough paddings of his fingers pressed into her overworked muscles. A trick he learned early on in their relationship - Shepard loved having her muscles rubbed, especially her shoulders. She’d gasp quietly, the soft sounds she made causing him to smirk. He always loved how he could emit those sounds of euphoria from her with the simplest of touches.

He wandered down the steps, looking to where her couches sat against the wall. In between them stood a wooden liquor cabinet, filled with both turian and human brandy. Shepard did not consume alcohol often, being a former addict of various intoxicants, but after an especially rough mission, he would find her here, with a drink ready in hand for him.  _ “Sit. Have a drink with me,”  _ she’d say, her eyes pleading with his to humour her. She never needed to ask twice, and in the end, those had been some of their best nights together. He found that drink relaxed her tongue. She’d laugh, a joyous sound as she loosened up and slipped out of the role of commander.

Garrus took a seat, already feeling out of place, as if undeserving of being in the commander’s quarters without Shepard present, even if he knew she would be more than happy to have him there. He uncorked the bottle of turian brandy, pouring some of the amber contents into a glass. He stared absentmindedly at the drink for a few moments, before knocking it back in one gulp. The liquid burned on the way down, and he took a deep breath, before pouring another. He’d never been one to chase away his problems with drink, but right now the desperation for an escape from reality overcame any other coherent thought or reason. Drinking would not return Shepard to his arms, nor would it give him answers to what happened on the Crucible, but perhaps it would momentarily numb the pain. He downed a second drink, and then a third. It did not take long for a buzzing warmth to spread throughout his entire body, especially with how little he’d eaten over the last few days, too grief-stricken to pay mind to an ounce of hunger. He clanked the glass down, and put the brandy back in it’s spot, where Shepard left it. Everything needed to be in it’s place for when she returned.  _ ‘If she returned,’  _ a voice in his head reminded him. He sighed, wanting to claw at the voice with his talons. Spirits, how he missed her.

He tried to avoid where his gaze moved next, and had been trying since he entered the room. But, as if against his own will, his eyes wandered to the bed before him.  _ ‘Our bed,’  _ she called it on more than one occasion. Since re-joining the Normandy, Garrus hardly slept in his own space. Shepard invited him up each and every night, insisting that he needn’t an invitation to join her. It took the turian some time, but eventually he found himself coming here when he retired, purely out of habit. So often she would greet him with a smile, immediately pulling him towards the bed. Sometimes, after a long and grueling day, the best thing for them was to blow off some steam the good old fashioned way. The intimacy he found wrapped up in her body had been unlike any he’d known before. Making love to Shepard was Garrus’ favourite thing to do, not for the pleasure he found in the act, but because it left her exposed and bare, as if he could touch her very soul. She’d look up at him with her beautiful eyes, the shade of fresh leaves meeting the bark of a tree, the two colors blending together to create a new one. Just as they became one being in their mating, he lost himself in the welcoming depths of those eyes. Always so controlled and composed, their bed was the only place she allowed herself to escape thoughts of war and strife. Even her guarded tongue would lose itself, gasping words and uttering phrases so titillating, they shocked him the first time he’d heard them escape her sweet lips. Her voice, her words, and the way she spoke them were always measured by immense control. But here? Here he made her fall apart with only his body to aid him. Bit by bit, the hardened layers of a soldier melded away, as the woman behind them broke through the confinements as Shepard allowed herself to relax and be her true self. If only for an hour or so.

The familiar white sheets called out to him, and he could not help himself. Garrus climbed into the comfort of her bed, laying on his side. He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply, only detecting the faintest whiff of her lingering scent. He knew, that too would soon be erased. His chest heaved, the agony of being without his mate overwhelming.  _ Soulmates  _ was the term she used once. A human saying, she told him. And what a perfect way to describe their union, because without her, Garrus felt the absence of his very soul. As though his own life force departed from his body when she left him. When he let her go.

Closing his eyes, his talons grazed the empty spot beside him, pretending a warm body lay there instead. If he imagined hard enough, he almost sensed her presence. He prayed to the Spirits that his dreams would be filled with her laughter, for he would give anything to hear that sound once more.

 

* * *

 

Garrus awoke to a growling of his stomach, a reminder of the prior night's events. As soon as he opened his eyes, he shut them again, the realization of the cold empty spot beside him gripping at his heart. His sleep went without dreams, a disappointment in itself as he wished to see her again desperately, even if it was just in a fantasy concocted by his own mind. At least he’d gone a few hours without any pain, he thought bitterly, forcing himself to sit up. The room spun about for a few moments. “And this is why you don’t drink often,” he muttered to himself, even his own voice causing a slight pounding in his head. The pang in his stomach persisted. He knew he ought to eat something, even if all he wanted to do was fall back asleep and hide away in his own misery. Garrus pulled the sheets back into their proper place, and rearranged the pillows so that the bed looked unslept in. He took a long look around the room a final time, a room filled with warm memories, before turning on his heel to face his cold reality once more. 

When he stepped from the elevator, a faint murmuring of conversation on the deck greeted him. He walked past the memorial board, noticing how Shepard’s plaque had been placed in his absence. He’d half a mind to tear it down, but Garrus didn’t have the strength or energy to argue with anyone at the moment. Pulling out a chair, he sat at the dining table, placing his fingers to his temples. The lighting did nothing for his headache, which thrummed painfully in his head.

“Here,” a voice pulled him from his thoughts. He opened his eyes to Tali taking a seat across from him, placing a bowl of food in front of him. “Eat something, before I call Liara over to force it into you,” she said, a hint of teasing detected in her voice.

“With a threat like that, you leave me no choice,” he let out the faintest thread of humour in his voice, even if it was forced. He took a utensil in hand, scraping up some of the sludge that passed off as edible dextro rations, and forced it into his mouth. He’d had worse meals than that available on the Normandy, but the food served was far from savory.

“Nice to see you up and about, Scars,” James announced his presence, stepping over to the kitchen and plopping down some kind of fish.

“Where did you get that?” Garrus waved with his hand.

“Eh, I needed to get off of the ship for awhile. There’s a river not too far off. Took a few good tries with nothing proper to catch em’ with, but I managed. What can I say? I’m good with my hands.”

“But the ship is stocked with food you can eat.” Tali questioned, seeming as confused as Garrus. It wasn’t as if the others on board were in any danger of running out of nourishment anytime soon. Tali and Garrus would have a good few months of rations before worry set in. But the rest would be put at ease, being on a planet had shown positive scans of levo proteins.

“Sometimes it’s more satisfying to find your own food. Besides, I needed something to keep my hands busy,” James remarked, taking a sharp blade and cutting into the fish.

“How very … primitive.” Javik muttered from the corner, a frown of disapproval tugging at his features.

“Hey, man. My Abuela made the best fish gazpacho anyone’s ever tasted. Hopefully this little guy here will be an okay substitute.”

“If not, we can always substitute the flavour with human,” Javik retorted back. Normally, Javik's remarks about eating the crew would have been met with eye rolling, but an uncomfortable air filled the room, leaving everyone on edge. Not knowing the result of Shepard’s efforts had everyone tense, teetering on the blade of a knife.

James ignored the prothean’s comment and finished preparing his catch. Garrus found his mind drifting back to thoughts of Shepard before long. Being without her left a void inside of him, numbing him to anything around him. He closed his eyes, uncaring of everything else going in the room. He pictured her face, the soft delicate human features he’d grown so fond of. The way she bit her bottom lip when ebbed with concentration. The furrow of her brow when trying to ponder a new strategy. He longed to reach out and stroke her face gently, to have her nuzzle into the palm of his hand once more.

“Garrus,” Tali’s voice broke him away from his daydream. He opened his eyes again. She place a hand over his. “I miss her too.” Despite not being able to see her face, the quiver in Tali’s voice gave way to her broken heart.

“I know,” Garrus spoke softly, regretting the way he shrugged his friend off the day before when she’d only meant to console him. “The ship’s not the same without her.” They sat in silence several long moments, no words needed to understand one another. Tali had always been the closest thing to a friend he had, and in that moment, Garrus was incredibly grateful for her presence above all others.

The elevator doors swished open, followed with hurried footsteps.The frantic sound alarmed Garrus, who scraped away from the table, standing on edge. Liara and Kaidan both burst into the room, their eyes bewildered.

“What happened?” Garrus asked.

“The CIC is back up and running. We made contact with the Alliance.” Liara responded, sounding a little out of breath, no doubt from rushing to the crews deck. “The Reapers have been defeated.”

A resounding cheer sounded throughout everyone on deck. James jaunted over from the cooking station, patting Kaidan on the back. “About damn time we got some good news.”

“And Shepard?” Garrus blurted out, looking directly at Kaidan. “Did they … did they find her?” As soon as the words left his mouth, he nearly wanted to take them back, terrified of what news the major would bring. Instead, the man’s face cracked into a smile. “Yes. She’s alive. They wouldn’t tell us much else other than she was transported to Vancouver to a makeshift hospital close to where the Alliance headquarters stood before the invasion.”

Garrus struggled to breathe, his heart pounding a million miles a second. Liara and Kaidan continued on, but their words faded in the background as the turian’s heart leapt with relief. Something inside of him had been telling him she yet lived. As if her presence surrounded him. Not only had she defeated the Reapers, a task unthinkable on its own, but she would live to tell the tale. Warmth blanketed his body, and for the first time in days, Garrus smiled.

“So, what’s it going to take to get us off this planet?” He asked, unable to contain his anxiety.

“Most of the thrusters are up and running, but we aren’t quite ready for flight again. Technically, we could, but it would be risky.” Tali answered. “At the rate we’ve been going, I’d say the Normandy should be ready in a few weeks at the most. It’s been difficult without EDI.”

“It will be nice to finally have some answers,” Liara said, her soft voice matching the kindness in her smile. “And to see Shepard of course. I can’t begin to imagine how relieved you are, Garrus.”

“That would be a bit of an understatement.” The turian replied, stunned, as if his feet had been kicked out from under him, the world around him surreal and intangible. In just a short time, Shepard would be in his arms again. And with the Reapers gone, they could start a new life together. He promised her a real home. One that didn’t involve throwing themselves into chaos at any given moment. They had a real chance at a future together, possibly one filled with children. Garrus’ stomach fluttered with excitement at the realization that he’d be able to provide Shepard with everything he promised that last night he saw her. That they could spend the rest of their days together, never again to be pulled apart by the cruel hand of war. He only hoped that the Normandy would get to her soon, for every second without her warm embrace seemed an eternity.

* * *

 

Garrus’ nerves thundered as he strode through the makeshift hospital’s halls. Getting to Earth without the relays took far longer than he’d hoped, and without Shepard, they were the worst two months of his life. He strode quickly through the halls, paying little mind to anything except his destination. The turian nearly knocked over two of the medical staff, muttering a sorry after them. “Garrus, wait up!” one of the crew members called after him. Tali maybe, he briefly thought, but seeing Shepard again was the only thing that occupied his mind.

When the Normandy docked at the location they’d been given, Hackett had been waiting. He spoke very little of Shepard, only giving the coordinates to where the hospital was set up. The rest of the crew stayed a few moments longer to be updated on all that transpired in their absence, but Garrus only cared of one thing; seeing Shepard again. Thankfully, the hospital was just a short distance from the docking bay.

Garrus let out a breath of relief when he finally reached her room at the end of a hall stationed by several guards. They gave him a quick nod after scanning him, and the doors whirred open. Two doctors stood in the room, a grey haired human and a salarian. His eyes travelled to the corner, where the bed lay.

“Spirits, Shepard!” he breathed out, rushing to her bedside. Taking her hand in his, he noted how pale and marred her face looked. He could only imagine how she looked when they first found her.

“I’m here Shepard,” he said, squeezing her slender fingers in his hand. She didn’t even stir.

“Mr. Vakarian, I’m Doctor Clark. I’ve been on Commander Shepard’s case ever since she was brought in to us,” the human man spoke.

“Hey Doc. Thanks for taking care of Shepard for us,” he replied with a smile. “How has she been doing?”

“Her injuries were extensive, the worst I’ve ever seen in fact. The commander barely had a pulse when she was brought in. Still, somehow she survived. And that alone is miraculous in itself.”

“Shepard always has a way of pulling through.” Garrus’ heart swelled. So many nights he lay awake, imagining her dying, alone and afraid. He suffered, unbearably so. But now, she lay before him, alive and breathing. The turian could scarcely believe it.

“Mr. Vakarian … Sir … you may want to take a seat.”

Garrus’ eyes slowly met the doctors, hearing the thread of reluctance in the man’s voice. It was only then he noted the sadness in his eyes, and the machines that surrounded Shepard.

“The commander is in a coma, and has been for some time now.” The human let out a breath. “We don’t think she’ll ever wake up.”

“By the Goddess no. It can’t be!” Liara gasped from the corner of the room. He had no idea when the others had entered, nor could he make out the voices around him. As if hit by the destruction by a flashbang grenade, the noise surrounding him became a distant pitch as his vision went blurry. How could this be happening? They survived a galactic war, despite all odds … and for what? So that she’d remain life support for the rest of her days? No. He refused to accept it.

“Shepard’s a fighter. She’s going to pull through this. Where’s Doctor Chakwas?”

“I’m right here, Garrus.” The familiar doctor and colleague squeezed his arm.

“Will you look over her charts? Give her an examination yourself?”

“That won’t be necessary. We’ve been monitoring her for months, have run every test possible -“ the salarian doctor in the corner interjected. Doctor Clark raised a hand to silence him.

“You are free to do any follow up you deem fit, Doctor Chakwas. You’ve been patching up the commander for years, after all. Or so I’ve been told.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” Chakwas nodded with a small smile. Shepard’s doctor and friend opened up the scanner on her omni tool, and moved it back and forth across Shepard’s body for several long moments. The omni tool beeped, as she tapped it several times.

“Here are her previous scan results,” Dr. Clark said, placing a data pad into her hand. Garrus held Shepard’s hand tightly. Her skin against his felt warm, familiar … like home. When he raised his eyes to meet Dr. Chakwas, his heart sank.

“Please tell me you have good news,” Garrus sighed.

Karin took a step forward, placing her hand on his arm. “I’m sorry, Garrus. But he’s right. Shepard’s brain was terribly injured. And while her scans show that her injuries have mostly healed, it’s nearly impossible to wake someone once they’ve fallen into a coma such as the one she’s in now.”

Garrus pulled his hand away, as if her touch burned and began to pace the room, a million thoughts buzzing through his head. Shepard had come too far to be reduced to a hospital bed for the rest of her days.

“Easy there scars. Maybe you’re right. Lola is as tough as they come. I’m sure she’ll pull through this,” James added. “Hell, I’d be willing to bet that she’ll be outta this bed in a week. Isn’t that right, Commander?” he put on a weak smile, nodding towards Shepard who looked to be sound asleep. Garrus wasn’t naive. He saw, despite James’ words, the doubt in his eyes.

“It is foolish to wish for hope when there is none,” Javik interjected. “The Commander wouldn’t wish us to idly sit by, when there is a galaxy to rebuild.”

“How can you talk about her as if she’s dead? Shepard is right there, you bosh’tet!” Tali’s voice filled the room with anger, her chest rising and falling.

The room erupted into chaos at that moment, the normally level-headed crew unable to suppress their emotions when it came to the commander who they all loved in their own way. Garrus looked around the room, seeing just about every emotion possible. Denial, anger, guilt, hope. Kaidan stood off to the side of the room, wiping his eyes from tears that began to fall. Garrus always knew that deep down, the major still loved Shepard. It was impossible not to. She brightened even the darkest moments, with a simple smile or encouraging words. Spirits, what was he going to do without her?

“At least you still have her,” Joker said, suddenly appearing beside him amongst the commotion. “I don’t even know what happened to EDI. One minute she was there … the next … nothing.” Garrus saw how tremendous the loss of EDI affected Joker. A feeling he’d become all too familiar with himself.

Doctor Clark held up his hands, trying to regain order of the room, clearly unfinished in updating them on Shepard’s condition.

“Enough!” Garrus yelled, and the bickering simmered to a silence. “Let the doctor continue.”

“I understand this is a very emotional time for all of you. I can’t begin to imagine the losses you’ve all endured. There is however, one more thing left to discuss.” Dr. Clark voiced. The seasoned man looked directly at the turian, and Garrus nodded for him to go on.

“The commander’s files have you listed as her next of kin. She has no surviving family to speak for her. In a case so severe as her own, we must ask you what steps you’d like to take next.”

“Speak plainly.” Garrus’ insides lurched, telling him he would not like what the doctor had to say next.

“We have two options. One, we keep her on life support, and pray for a miracle. I have to be honest in saying that a miracle is what it would take to bring her back to consciousness.”

“And the other option?”

“We take her off of life support. Know that in doing so, she will die. These machines here are breathing for her. What you need to ask yourself is, what would Shepard want if the decision were up to her.”

“Not a chance.” He didn’t even pause to consider the options. “Shepard has been to hell and back. She can come back from this.”

“And that decision is yours to make,” Clark chided in. “But as a physician, it is my responsibility to be completely honest with you. There is a good chance she may never come back. This is something you need to consider. Did she ever talk to you about her wishes, if something like this were to happen?”

"No.” Garrus replied curtly. He sighed, trying to process everything at once. His eyes drifted to Shepard’s body, the machines about her beeping and whirring. They both survived the unthinkable; that they yet lived a miracle in itself. A miracle was exactly what this doctor said they needed. He couldn’t give up on her now. Not when they’d come so far.

But would Shepard want this for herself? To stay unconscious for months, maybe even years? Or would she want him to let her pass into the next life? The thought terrified him, more than any Reaper or banshee ever had. It was then Tali gripped onto his shoulder, offering him support. This time, he didn’t yank his arm away.

Garrus turned to look at her, meeting shining eyes beneath her helmet. In those eyes, Garrus saw that he was not alone in his grief. That every soul in the room around him felt the weight of the decision laid before him.

“Whatever you decide, we will be here for you.” Tali confirmed.

“I … huh,“ he began, then paused, humming to himself. “Is my wanting to keep her alive selfish?”

“No. I don’t think it is.” His friend took his hand in hers, her touch reassuring him that he wouldn’t face this alone. Garrus turned to both the human and salarian physicians.

“Shepard was brought back to life a few years back. Cerberus created - “

“The Lazarus Project,” the salarian doctor cut him off. “Yes, we know all about that.”

“If they brought her back to life, can’t we find a way to somehow wake her from this?”

“Cerberus technology kept her alive, not only completely restoring her brain function, but keeping her muscles healthy while unconscious. And while our scans have shown her brain is functioning nearly at full capacity, the nerve cells in the lower part of her brain have not responded to anything we have done. The longer she remains in this bed, the less likely she will be able to wake up. Believe me when I say I am deeply sorry that we can do nothing more for the woman who saved the entire galaxy. We just don’t have those kind of resources right now. The universe is struggling to rebuild itself after everything that was lost to us.” Dr. Clark spoke with complete certainty, leaving no room for Garrus to doubt that they’d done everything in their power to bring Shepard back.

The turian’s shoulders sank. He took a seat next to the hospital bed, just wanting to be in Shepard’s presence. He ran his taloned fingers over one of her hands, her skin as smooth and delicate as ever, her flesh pink and warm to the touch. Flesh that would have been cold if she were no longer with them. She still lived. Her heart beat within her chest. If there was any chance that she could still pull through, she deserved it, didn’t she?

“I can’t do it. I can’t just let her die. Shepard needs me. She needs  _ us _ to root for her to pull through. There’s no way she would have given up on a single person standing in this room.” He said after a long few minutes of silence, looking at the faces around him.

“You’re right. She wouldn’t.” Liara spoke with absolute certainty, her voice reassuring Garrus that he was making the right choice.

“That is your decision then?” The salarian doctor asked, and Garrus nodded.

“Yeah. It is.”

“Very well.”

Garrus clasped his fingers around Shepard’s smaller hand as a quiet murmur fell about the room. The discussion around him buzzed in the background as he took in the woman before him. The only soul his heart had ever beat for.

“Shepard,” he leaned forward, whispering into her ear, his words for her alone. “I’ll be waiting right here for you. Your boyfriend isn’t going anywhere.” With his other hand, he brushed a few strands of hair away from her face. “Just … don’t keep me waiting too long. The world is an awfully lonely place without you.”

 

* * *

 

_ ‘L _ _ ove like an invisible bullet shot me down. And I'm bleeding, yeah, I'm bleeding.  _ _ And if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me. Will bring you back to me.’ _ \- Lyrics from Furious Angels by Rob Dougan. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my awesome beta’s for going over my chapter with me. The next one may take a bit of time to get posted, as it is a bit complicated in nature. But rest assured it will be posted as soon as possible :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. The woods

**Notes: Many thanks to the incredible Shink who beta’d this chapter for me (she was the beta for my Dragon Age series, so it was so much fun to get her feedback once again in a fresh setting). This chapter has become a huge undertaking, and originally was going to be much longer than this, but I’ve decided to break it up a bit into separate chapters. Enjoy!**

_ “What the hell are you doing?” A familiar voice called out, sending alarms through April’s brain. She turned on her heel to see the accuser was none other than her twin brother John, his face the definition of disapproval. “You aren’t sneaking into Dad’s liquor cabinet again, are you?” She peered down, noting the bottle of scotch in her hands.  _

_ “I … “ she answered, her voice sounding so much younger than she remembered. Blankly staring ahead, she tried to process where she was, as she placed the bottle back in the cabinet. “Johnny?” Why had it felt like half an eternity since she’d seen him? _

_ “Last time Mom and Dad found their booze missing, I took the blame for you. I won’t be doing that again.” _

_ April let out a short laugh, vaguely recalling her mother scolding her brother about the dangers of alcohol when he had never drank a day in his life. _

_ “Are you still mad about that? That happened ages ago.” _

_ “Ages? That was only last week. Ugh. Okay there, Trouble. Really living up to your name again.” _

_ “Must you always call me that? I’m not a child. We’re the same age.” April scoffed, folding her arms across her chest. _

_ “Maybe if you would start taking responsibility for half the shit you pull, I would be a little nicer to you. Hell, even if you did own up to everything you’ve done just this last month, I bet you wouldn’t even get punished.” _

_ “Yeah. Right.” _

_ “You get off sooo easy when it comes to Dad. Suck up.” _

_ “Can’t help it if I’m the favourite,” April stuck out her tongue, and John rewarded her by popping her in the shoulder with his fist. _

_ “Ouch!” _

_ “John, don’t you hit your sister!” A stern voice sounded from the entrance of the room. _

_ “Dad I - “ John began. _

_ April looked upon the face of her father. Hazel eyes mirroring her own met her gaze. Her heart skipped a beat as she ran out to him. _

_ “Daddy,” she gasped, squeezing her arms around his neck. She pulled back ever so slightly, drinking in all the little details of his face as if she were starved for it. The salt and pepper strands in his brows. The soft wrinkles crinkled at the corners of his eyes like folded paper. The way his smile turned upwards as she held on tight. _

_ "What’s this all about?” Father laughed, hugging her small frame tight. _

_ “Nothing,” April grinned. “I just wanted to tell you that I love you.” _

_ “I love you too, my girl. I want you kids to go wash up. Your mother just finished making lunch.”  April’s stomach grumbled at the thought of her mother's cooking. Just thinking of the savory meals she poured her love into was enough to make her mouth water. No ship prepared meals could ever compare to her mother's cooking.  _

_ Ship? What ship could she possibly be thinking of?  She'd never been on a ship before. _

_ The thought soon left her mind as she took a seat at the kitchen table with her family. The scent of gravy and peppered beef filled her senses, as someone set a heaping bowl of stew in front of her. She shoveled a spoonful into her mouth, and let out a contented sigh. She inhaled bite after bite into her mouth, making sure her mouth never missed a second of the hearty flavors that danced upon her tongue.  _

_ “You must be hungry, sweetie,” Mother let out an amused laugh. “You've barely come up for air.” _

_ “ It’s been so long since I’ve had your stew.” April said with her mouth full. _

_ “If you count three days long. I’m getting sick of the same old thing,” John grumbled. Their father shot him a piercing stare of disapproval, and he scooped a spoonful into his mouth. _

_ Just three days? Her thoughts became foggy as if being pulled underwater. An uneasy sensation consumed her every moment she spent at the table, as if something terribly wrong awaited her just around the corner. Her stomach lurched and ached, making her insides feel like they were twisted and wrong. But as she considered the faces of her family, she saw nothing but warmth, happiness and good memories. Her brow scrunched in confusion. _

_ “April, sweetie?” Mother pat her arm. “Are you feeling alright?” _

_ “Yeah, Mom … I’m okay.” _

_ “Why don't the two of you go outside for a bit?  It's a beautiful day out. No need to spend it cooped up.” Father suggested.  _

_ Hair stood at the back of her neck, something setting off an alarm in her brain. Every word spoken by Father, every glance from Mother, and even the scolding she received from John were words spoken once before, as if she were dreaming. It felt as if she were being pulled underwater, the walls around her a murky blur, peeling away at the edges. Her feet became cemented to the ground. April struggled to move, but try as she may she couldn’t budge. ‘This has to be a dream,’ she thought.  _

_ “Come on.” John yanked on her arm, and suddenly she was able to move again. Her vision became clear, and his voice could be recognised with perfect clarity, as if she’d come up for fresh air after being submerged under water. April let out a hesitant sigh, and stepped outside into the warm sunlight of Mindoir with John along side of her. _

_ “What are you kids up to today?” a friendly voice came off from the side. _

_ “ Not much Mr. Bennet,” John replied. “Dad wanted us to take advantage of the weather outside.” _

_ “Your father's right. Chances are we won't have weather like this around for much longer.You kids have fun. Behave yourselves.” _

_ “Yeah, we will.” _

_ April smirked. “Which is it? Does he want us to have fun or behave ourselves?” _

_ “You see? I call you Trouble for a reason,” John sighed. The two of them walked down a dusty path. John cocked his eyes at April. “So what's going on with you today? You’ve been acting kind of off.” _

_ “Off?” _

_ “You can’t fool me. I can tell when something’s troubling you.” _

_ “I just have a horrible feeling today.  It's …  it's nothing.” _

_ “It doesn't seem like nothing.” _

_ April forced a smile and gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “ I promise, I'm fine.” _

_ “We're twins remember?  You can't pull one over me like you do with Mom and Dad.” _

_ “Johnny,  have you ever had a feeling like you've done something before?” _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “Everything about today feels like it's happened before.” _

_ “You mean like deja vu?” _

_ “I don’t know. Maybe. I just can't shake this feeling.”  _

_ “Come on. I know what will cheer you up.” _

_ John tugged on her arm and took off down the path. April had to run to keep up with him, laughing as he dragged her along. She knew exactly where he was taking her. They turned a corner and stumbled across a playground. _

_ “Really Johnny? Aren't we a little old for this now?” _

_ “Don't you remember how much fun we used to have out here? Anytime you were mopey all I had to do is push you on the swing. So hop on.” _

_ April smirked and although she felt a bit silly, she hoisted herself up onto the swing. John cantered over to her and have her a light push. Before she knew it, she pumped her legs and the swing rose higher. John hopped on a swing beside her. In mere seconds, he soared just as high, and shot her a knowing glance as his legs worked the swing. _

_ “Wanna see who can land the farthest?” _

_ “You’re on.” April said, shooting him a grin.  _

_ “On three,” John replied.  _

_ “One,” April counted, giving her twin a sideways glance, her eyes teasing and egging him on. _

_ “Two,” John shot her the exact same expression. _

_ “Three!” they exclaimed in unison. April launched off the swing in mid air, landing on the pebbled ground below. Not a second later, John hit the ground, a half a foot farther. _

_ “Hah, I win!” _

_ “Yeah yeah. You and your longer legs,” she scoffed. _

_ “Always such a poor sport, Miss Perfection.”   _

_ “Don’t expect that to ever change,” April said, coming to stand beside him. Although twins, John stood nearly a head taller. April placed her head against his shoulder and smiled. “I’m sorry I give you such a hard time.” _

_ “Stop being such a girl today.” _

_ “I mean it Johnny.” April sighed as she continued resting her head against her brother. He’d always been her crutch. No matter how badly she angered him, he would always take the fall for her if it came to it. The nagging feeling from before returned, a little voice inside telling her to run. The tiny fine hairs at the back of her neck raised, an overwhelming feeling of dread pulling at her gut. It was so much worse than before, and she couldn’t ignore her instincts a moment longer. She squeezed her brother’s arm. _

_ “We need to get out of here.” _

_ “Why? What’s wrong?” _

_ Several shots fired off in the distance, and a woman screamed, the sound chilling April’s blood. More gunshots followed. April gripped John harder. Memories flashed in her mind of batarian slavers ripping children from their homes, blood being spilled among the streets of Mindoir. She knew she’d seen this before, perhaps in a dream. The details didn’t matter at the moment. They needed to hide! _

_ “The slavers. They’re here.” _

_ “Slavers? How do you know that?” _

_ “No time to explain. We need to get to Mom and Dad!” April tugged on his arm. “Stay low, and follow me.” Instead of following the open path, the siblings went an alternative route, keeping low to the ground. They stayed close to a fence, surrounded by shrubbery. Gunshots continued to fire, and screams filled the air. From where they crouched, April could see several heavily armed batarians. One yanked a small child from the arms of her wailing mother. _

_ “Talitha! No!” She screamed, running towards the batarian. He aimed his gun, and shot her right between the eyes. Her body hit the ground below, droplets of red blood coating the grass beneath her. _

_ “Mama! Mama!” the young girl shrieked, as the slaver carried her away. April’s hand went to her waist, seeking a gun that was not there. Why would she be carrying a weapon, she wondered. Her heart lurched, and unfallen tears stung her eyes, blurring her vision.  _

_ “Let’s keep moving,” John whispered, bringing her back to the moment. They needed to find their parents, and get the hell out of there fast. Keeping low to the ground, the two of them crept along the shrubbery. Screams tore from every which direction. A piercing alarm went off somewhere in the distance, followed by an automated voice urging people to stay inside their homes. An instinctual need to stand and fight coursed through her veins, but April knew that fighting would only get her killed. She had no weapon, nor any reason to believe she could win against the armed intruders. She felt helpless.  _

_ Their home was almost in sight. They rounded a corner, keeping behind the fence and shrubbery. A gasp tore through her throat at the sight at her mother and father both on their knees in front of their home, a batarian waving his gun in their faces. He wore a large silver vest, plated with several buckles securing it together. His eyes bore down, looking at the humans in utter disgust, as if they were nothing more than wild animals, a threat to be contained. _

_ “Please!” Mother wailed. “You don’t have to do this.” _

_ “Shut up, human.” the alien snarled. “Is there anyone else in your home?” _

_ “No.” Father grit through clenched teeth, his words as harsh as frost. “Just us.” _

_ “I think you’re lying.” His voice was malicious, and April’s face drained of all colour. The batarian pointed his gun to Mother’s head. “Do you know what we do to liars?” _

_ In that instant, Father jumped to his feet and charged at the batarian. The Batarian stumbled but maintained his footing. Grunting, he whipped his pistol against Father’s head, knocking him to the ground.  _

_ “Henry, no!” Mother shouted, as the batarian took aim and fired. Blood sprayed on contact. April opened her mouth to scream, but John covered her mouth with his sweaty palm. _

_ “Shh!” He whispered harsh in her ear. April watched helpless as the batarian stood over their weeping mother. John forced April to turn around. Silent sobs tore through her chest, tears burning down her face. _

_ “The woods,” John spoke as quiet as the hush of evening. Her eyes peered just beyond the distance behind their home. “The shelter. We can hide there.” Their parents had built a shelter in the woods, in case of emergencies. They’d never had any reason to use it before. Her eyes scanned the surrounding area. She couldn’t see any batarians behind the house. They could make a run for it, but they wouldn’t be in cover until they reached the woods. Her heart thundered in her chest. _

_ “But Mom - “ _

_ “There’s nothing we can do. Now April! Run!” _

_ The fight for survival kicked in, overriding the panic coursing her veins. The both of them bolted in the direction of the forest, fleeing as fast as their legs could carry them. A shot sounded off behind them, and somehow April knew her mother no longer breathed. Tears fell from the corners of her eyes, but she dared not stop. They were too close to safety now.  _

_ April dashed across the grass, her legs working overtime. Her foot caught under a branch, and her legs gave way as she crashed to the ground. Her heart lurched, but in a second John dragged her back to her feet. Seizing her hand in his, he sprinted even faster.  _

_ When they reached the forest, April froze. Her mind flashed images of the very spot where she stood, the area dark and looming. Shadowed figures surrounded her, their voices haunting and cold. A small child stared at her. ‘Everyone’s dying,’ he whispered, before vanishing before her sight.  _

_ A second dark figure hovered around her, ‘Shepard Commander, help us.’ It’s voice monotone and synthetic, slowly faded away, a new one replacing it.  _

_ ‘Go get him, Commander. I’ll see you all when I get back.’ A woman’s voice came through, and a pang of guilt twisted in her gut at it’s sound.  Soon after, another appeared. _

_ ‘It seems there will be no one to mourn me when I die. You’re the only friend I’ve made in ten years.’ The voice belonged to a different species, coming out in a solemn, vibrating tone. Misery encompassed his voice, and before long, another shadow joined them. _

_ ‘I just want to know, is the person I followed to hell and back still in there somewhere?’ Gooseflesh pebbled her skin, as the voice struck a chord within her. This was a man whose voice touched the depths within her soul, someone she’d loved tenderly once, even if she couldn’t remember his face. A lump formed in her throat. Why did he taunt her so? _

_ ‘I don’t have what you do. That fire that makes some willing to follow you into hell itself.’ Another woman spoke, her voice remorseful. April reached out to touch the shadow before her, but her hand slid right through, as if a knife cutting through butter.  _

_ Sadness consumed these souls, these figures that surrounded her. ‘Good luck Shepard. I hope we’ll see each other again.’ A feeling of protectiveness surged through April at the sound of the new voice, as if it belonged to a mothering figure. She trembled, a sob taking hold in her throat.  _

_ A final shadow joined the rest, all circling around her form. ‘Someone else might have gotten it wrong.’ Tears cascaded down April’s cheeks, leaving a trace of saltiness on her lower lip. The dark figures paced around her as they chanted her name. ‘Shepard,’ ‘Shepard,’ ‘Commander Shepard.’ _

_ “April!” John called out to her, snapping her out of the vision that just seconds before clouded her mind.  _

_ They dove deeper into the woods. The screams of panic lessened with each passing second. Her brother fell to his knees, scooping off a pile of fallen leaves from the ground below. He uncovered a metal door, and pulled it upwards. _

_ “ Get in April,” he ordered. She swung her legs inside and climbed down the short ladder. Glancing upwards, confusion befuddled her state of mind as John made no movement to get inside. _

_ “Aren't you coming too?” _

_ “Not yet. You stay put. I'm going to go back and see if I can save anyone else.” _

_ “ The hell you are! I won't let you go alone.” _

_ “ I need to do this and I can't do it while worrying about you. Please April, stay put.” His eyes plead with her, desperation shining through hazel eyes, identical to her own. _

_ “Johnny … “ she whimpered. _

_ “I’ll be back, Trouble. I promise.” He shot her a sad smile. “Lock up behind me.” John closed the heavy door, and April latched it shut. Darkness clouded her vision, save for the few rays of light that shone through a small glass hole in the middle, which could be used as a peep hole. John covered the hidden entrance back up with the leaves, leaving a single open space uncovered, just enough to let a bit of sunlight in. April stood just below it, being able to see a small opening to the outside world. Waiting in silence alone in the dark pulled at her heart. John was crazy to go alone! She couldn’t let him do this. They were twins, they were meant to stick together! Just as her hand touched the latch to unlock it, her heart plummeted at the sound that followed. _

_ “No, no please!” John’s voice trembled in fear. The door muffled the sounds, but if she listened close enough she could make out the words. _

_ “Filthy human,” a foreign voice replied. “There is no escape.” A loud thud sounded from above, followed with a guttural groan. April peered through the peephole, her eyes meeting with John’s, his gaze fearful. April covered her mouth with her hands and gasped. She could see the terror in his gaze, as his eyes plead with her. She knew he was begging her to keep still, looking out for her one last time. Tears trickled down her face, and the batarian pulled him away. In the distance she heard the blood curdling screams of her brother fading away with the rest.  _

_ April crouched on the cold floor of the shelter, hugging her knees and rocking herself back and forth. Eventually, the screaming from the outside world stopped, along with the gunshots and hollers from the batarian invaders. She pushed her mouth against her knees, afraid to so much as breathe, becoming as silent as the slain.  _

_ For hours, the only sound other than her own soft sobs was silence. Night fell, encasing April in complete and total darkness, bringing along the cold with it. She hugged her knees tighter, shaking as gooseflesh pebbled her skin. Exhaustion settled in her bones, the terrifying ordeal taking its toll on her body. April closed her eyes, praying for sleep to claim her thoughts, but it never did. _

_ “Can anybody hear me?” A strange voice called out, nearly causing April to jump out of her skin. As she opened her eyes, rays of sunlight shone into the shelter. Her heart thundered in her chest, terrified that the batarians had returned for her. “Is somebody out there?” The voice hollered out again. Even though afraid, something deep in her gut told April that it belonged to a human. She needed to investigate. Climbing the short ladder, she peered through the peephole of the shelter. She could see nothing but a tree looming above. Her fingers unlatched the lock, and with a deep breath, she opened the metal door. With her hand still gripping the handle tight, she swept her gaze along the landscape of the forest. Barely a few feet away, a human man crept about the forest. A stranger she’d never seen on Mindoir before. She recognised his blue uniform from the vids. He was from the Alliance. _

_ The man turned, and spotted her peeping from her hiding place. Without reason, April ducked down, closing the door with her. She raced to the bottom of the stairs, crouching once again. Her heart felt as if it wanted to depart from her chest. The sound of footsteps coming towards her had her on edge. She gulped, realising she’d forgotten to lock the door.  _

_ A moment later, the door opened. The stranger peered down at her, the sunlight behind him filling the space of the shelter. April was met with kind brown eyes.  _

_ “Don’t be afraid, child. You’re safe now.” _

_ His voice soothed her aching soul. He stretched out his hand, but she hesitated to take it. “It’s all right. I won’t hurt you. I promise.” _

_ “Who are you?” April’s voice came out meek and frightened. _

_ “My name is Lieutenant Anderson. I’m with the Alliance, and we’re here to help.” _

_ Anderson. April knew the name from somewhere; it’d been burned into the depths of her mind. That strange feeling of deja vu encompassed her once more, but this time, she no longer feared it. This man, this Alliance soldier meant no harm. She finally gripped onto his hand, and allowed him to pull her out of her hiding place. As soon as her feet were planted on solid ground, her eyes took in the area up ahead. Smoke rose in the distance, as several soldiers fought to put out a fire. She glanced off to the side. Her neighbor Mr. Bennet lay just a few feet away, covered in his own blood from a gaping bullet hole in his chest. His eyes remained open, black and lifeless, complete opposite to the warm knowing glances he always offered whenever he’d greet her. A sharp cry escaped her lungs, and Anderson wrapped his arms around her frame. _

_ “Everything’s going to be alright,” he whispered to her, and she freely sobbed into his chest. Her friends, her parents … Johnny. They were all gone.  _

_ “What’s your name, child?” Anderson’s voice broke her from her thoughts.  _

_ Teary eyes peered up at his tall form. “April, sir. April Shepard.” _

_ “You’re safe now, April. I promise.” The warmth of his voice enveloped her, its familiarity bringing comfort to an otherwise devastating moment. April closed her eyes, allowing Anderson to carry her out of the forest. She trembled, the smell of smoke and something foul filling her nostrils. Curiosity got the better of her, and for a moment, she opened her eyes, immediately regretting it. Blood stained the playground where she’d played with John mere hours before, several small bodies scattered about. April shut her eyes quickly, but the image already had burned into her mind. She cried softly, and Anderson whispered in her ear. _

_ “We’re almost there. Keep your eyes closed.” _

_ Her fingers clutched into his shirt, terrified that if she were to let go, that she’d perish along with the rest of Mindoir. The sound of boots on metal made her tense up. _

_ “I found a survivor!” Anderson called out. April opened her eyes with caution as he carried her up a ramp and into a ship. Once inside, he laid her out on a stretcher, and two strangers put their cold hands on her, poking and prodding as if she were an animal to be dissected. _

_ “These doctors will take good care of you,” Anderson said, and stepped a foot back. April panicked, reaching out for his hand. She squeezed his hand tight, her heart pounding faster with every second. _

_ “Please, don’t leave me,” she whimpered. Anderson kneeled beside the stretcher. _

_ “All right. I’m not going anywhere.” His eyes met hers, and for the briefest of moments, she felt at ease. Anderson continued to hold her hand as the doctors examined her for injuries and asked her to relay what happened to the colony. He stayed by her side, even as the ship hummed steadily, taking to the air. Despite the uncertainty of her future, she knew in that moment, she was safe. _

 

* * *

  
  


Garrus’ eyes slowly fluttered open to the sound of a voice speaking as soft as a passing breeze. He’d fallen asleep in a chair across from Shepard’s bed, not for the first time. In the two months since they’d returned to earth, he barely left her side, ever hopeful that any day now, his girl would pull through. 

“Hey there, Lola,” James said, his voice barely above a whisper, as he knelt beside her bed. “Thought it was about time I brought you up to date.” Garrus watched as silent as stone, not wanting to disturb James. “The Alliance sure could use you. Earth, well, it’s still a mess, but we’re getting things done. I’ve officially joined the N7 program. I know I’ve got a long ways to go, but I’m going to make you proud, Shepard.” He grew quiet for a minute, letting out a long sigh. “Maybe one day, you’ll even be able to congratulate me yourself.” 

James rose to his feet, and settled at the edge of Shepard’s bed. “I miss our conversations, Commander. You always knew what to say to kick my ass back into gear.” His gaze stretched across her facial features, and to the tube connected to her mouth. “I never really told you the real reason why I started calling you Lola, did I?” 

The human paused, his brow etched in concentration, and he let out a deep breath. “Remember my mission that went to shit? The colony I was stationed on when the Collectors hit? Well, one of the colonists was a little girl. Tough as nails, but sweet at the core. Kinda like you. Her name was also April. For whatever reason, her death hit me the hardest. I really cared for the kid, you know? As a soldier, there’s always that one death that gets to you. The one that haunts you in your sleep. For me, it’s always been April. I guess I didn’t even want to say the name out loud. So, you became Lola. I always wanted to tell you that but … I don’t know. It was just easier to pretend it never happened.” 

James glanced around the room, and his body tensed for a brief second when he noticed that Garrus no longer slept soundly in his chair. “You been up long, Scars?”

“Only a moment,” Garrus lied, not wanting to cause James any alarm.

“Right,” James teased. The two of them both stood. “The nurses tell me you’ve been here every day.” 

“Been busy flirting with the nurses again, Vega?”

“Who, me?” the human chuckled. “I was just being friendly.”

“Sure. And I’m secretly a krogan.”

“Okay, okay. You got me.” James’ grin slowly faded away. “In all honesty, you doing okay, man?”

“It’s been … difficult seeing Shepard like this. But I’m not giving up on her.”

“Nor should you. But it wouldn’t hurt to get some fresh air.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve been keeping myself busy.”

“Yeah?” James’ brow perked, something Garrus had learned meant human interest.

“Most days I find myself with the reconstruction teams. When Shepard wakes, she deserves to have a real home. Not a reminder of the war.”

“A war that she won,” James pat Garrus on the shoulder. “Lola will just be glad to see that we beat the Reapers. That whatever she did worked.”

“We still lost people. Friends. I know Shepard. She’s tough. But she will take the losses to heart.”

“You and Massani seemed pretty close at the party. You doing all right?”

Garrus’ felt a twinge of pain in his gut, recalling the day he heard the news that his friend hadn’t made it, killed in an explosion while facing Reaper enemies. “Zaeed was a hell of a soldier. We didn’t always agree on his methods, but he came through when it counted.”

“I’ve lost people, too. It’s never easy.”

“We’ve all lost people. Doesn’t mean Shepard isn’t going to find some way to blame herself in the end. Zaeed wasn’t the only friend we lost on the ground.”

“Was Shepard close with - “

“Not particularly.” Garrus cut him off, already knowing that James referred to the second of their fallen comrades. “They had more than a few arguments during our time facing the Collectors. But Shepard still cared. The people aboard the Normandy? They were family to her. Each and every one of them.”

“The Normandy always did feel like one big, dysfunctional family. Even if we didn’t always see eye to eye, I knew each of you had my back if I needed you. Not that I ever did.”

“Yeah … ” Garrus trailed off, his eyes darting to where Shepard lay. It was so unusual to see her hair loose and out of the band that held it out of her face. One of his fingers trailed along the silky strands, pushing them away from her face and behind her ear. ‘ _ I promise I will make Earth something worth waking up to, Shepard,”  _ Garrus vowed to himself. “Maybe spending a little more time with the reconstruction teams wouldn’t hurt. No offense James, but your planet is a mess,” The turian smirked.

“It’s definitely seen better days,” James chuckled. “I know if Lola were awake, she’d be out there putting the streets back together.”

“No doubt about that.” Garrus ran a talon carefully along her cheek.

“Don’t worry, man. Shepard will be right here waiting for you at the end of the day. It’s okay to get out of here for more than an hour at a time. Sitting in that chair all day isn’t doing you any good. You look like you’re getting a little soft, Scars.” James playfully jabbed him in the abdomen.

“Turian’s don’t get ‘soft’, Vega.”

“If you say so. I gotta head out now, but I’ll pop in sometime soon. Take it easy, alright?”

“Will do. And Vega?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for coming by. I know it means a lot to Shepard.”

“Sure.” A weak smile played upon his lips without reaching his eyes as he made his way to the door. Without speaking the words, Garrus could tell from James’ expression that he doubted him. That he didn’t really believe Shepard could hear them. It was the same look the doctor’s and nurses had each and every day. So many had long since given up on her. Garrus would not be one of them. Not now, not ever. His hand grasped onto hers tight.

“I’ll be back soon, Shepard. I promise.” Garrus needed to do something constructive with his time, something his girl could be proud of when she awoke. He took one last glance at her slumbering face. “Hope your dreams are nothing but pleasant.”

_ “The arms of the ocean are carrying me, and all this devotion was rushing out of me. The crashes are heaven for a sinner like me, but the arms of the ocean delivered me. And it's over, and I'm going under. But I'm not giving up, I'm just giving in. I'm slipping underneath, so cold and so sweet.”  _ Lyrics from Never let me go, by Florence and the Machine. 

* * *

  
  


**End notes: Fun fact - I had planned on using the name April for a long time, but then saw Paragon Lost and thought I would have to use a new name since there was already an April existing in the ME universe. But then I saw that Shepard is an Aries, and has a birthday in April so her fate was sealed, and she remained April :) I really wanted to use her name to my advantage here, so that’s where the little tidbit from James came from. Also, I had every intention in keeping Zaeed alive. However, in my current play through in ME3, I totally screwed up and he died. I was so upset with myself, but in reality, people die in war. I think it gives it a more real feeling (although the party will be seriously lacking without the Zaeed/Garrus banter about bugging her apartment). Thanks for reading!**


	4. My demons

**_Author’s notes: My writing muse has returned full force! I spent about 6 hours working on this chapter yesterday. A wonderful shoutout to LordDanerius (aka, the best boyfriend ever) for helping me with the editing process <3_ **

* * *

 

_ “April, are you listening?” _

_ April glanced around her atmosphere, which just moments before was shrouded in darkness. Black and white paintings covered the monochromatic walls that surrounded her as she sat on a couch that was much too stiff for comfort. A blonde woman stared at her, waiting for her answer, hair styled in a bun, not a single hair out of place. She remembered this woman. Doctor Mallory, a therapist she’d been assigned to following the death of her family. _

_ “Sorry. I guess I dozed off there,” April muttered an apology, her brain foggy as she attempted to remember how long she’d been daydreaming for. _

_ “I know you don’t like these sessions, but we only have ten more minutes, then you can be on your merry way,” the doctor said, the corners of her cheeks lifting as she exposed a pearly smile. She couldn’t be a day over thirty, and yet certifications and awards cluttered the wall behind her, all screaming to be noticed. April narrowed her eyes, seeking to read the fine print of one. It was no coincidence these awards were on the wall that patients would face as if trying to convince them this woman knew best on how to fix them. _

_ “You’ve been particularly quiet today. Why don’t you share what’s on your mind?” _

_ April huffed, her breath causing one of the loose strands of her hair to flutter up and back down again. “I’m not much of a talker.” _

_ “You’ve been seeing me weekly for some time now. I know it’s hard to open up but - “ _

 

_ Talking doesn’t solve anything.” _

_ “It’s a start. You’ve been placed in seven different foster homes the last year and a half. Why do you think that is?” _

_ April scoffed. She hated these sessions, hated the way her therapist tried to dissect her thoughts, as if she were nothing more than a test subject. “If you’re so smart, why don’t you tell me?” April always tried to push Mallory’s buttons. But no matter how brash her behaviour, Mallory remained the perfect image of serenity, unwavering as if a visionary conquering the impossible.   _

_ “I think you keep people at a distance to protect yourself from getting hurt again. It’s so much easier to go through life with your fists up than to let someone get close.” _

_ A scowl tugged at April’s lips. She hated when the shrinks hit too close to home … . _

_ “Are you still having nightmares about your family?” _

_ “Yeah,” April gave in, sighing with frustration. _

_ “Is that why you continue to use the drugs? As an escape?” _

_ “What does it matter?” _

_ “You have so much potential, April. I’d hate to see you throw your life away. I understand that you’re hurting - “ _

_ “You understand nothing!” Anger and frustration boiled in her veins, she clenched her fists so hard her nails left crescent shaped patterns into her palms. _

_ “I may understand more than you know,” Dr. Mallory answered, completely unphased. Why did this woman even care? Didn’t the doctor realise that she was a lost cause? “April, when I was twelve, I lost my older brother. He died of brain cancer when he was just eighteen years old.” _

_ April’s breath caught in her throat, as she cast her glance away from the doctor, ashamed of her outburst. “I … I’m sorry.” _

_ “You have nothing to apologize for. I want this to be a safe space for you. Being angry is perfectly normal. I don’t want you to bottle up your emotions here.” _

_ She lifted her head, curiosity taking hold of her thoughts. “Do you still think about your brother?” _

_ “Yes. I miss him, but it doesn’t hurt to think of him anymore. When I reflect on the good times we had together, it brings me a sense of peace.” _

_ “I think of Johnny all the time. The only thing it makes me feel is anger. I wish I could find those bastards that killed my family. I would give anything to be able to hunt them down, and make them feel just a fraction of how I have felt since they ruined my life.” _

_ “You’ve never had any real closure. What you are experiencing is very common to anyone who has lost a loved one so violently.” Dr. Mallory paused, her eyes lifting at the corners, brimming with a note of understanding. “You have two choices here, April. You can let this anger fester inside of you, let it consume you as you have been. Or, you can accept it, and move forward with your life.” _

_ “You think I should just forget about my family?” A lump rose in her throat. _

_ “No, of course not. But instead of being fixated on their deaths, you can think about the good memories instead. You will always feel a level of loss. But it doesn’t have to consume you. Not any more.” _

_ April closed her eyes tight. She exhaled, attempting to alleviate some of her frustration. Nothing the shrinks said ever worked. She’d tried meditation, group therapy, solo sessions, but in the end, the only thing that dissolved her suffering was red sand. While living with the first family that took her in after the death of her parents, April began to drink. It was always easy to get her hands on booze - the other kids in the home all had friends over eighteen that would visit the house on a Friday night. But waiting until Friday often felt like an eternity. There was a liquor store nearby that sometimes she would steal a few drinks from. She got caught of course, which lead to her being removed from the first of many foster homes. While the alcohol numbed the pain, she needed something more. In the second foster home, April met a young woman who would change her life. Tiffany loved to party, and the two of them would often sneak out together. It was Tiffany who introduced April to sand. They’d been at a party when she pulled April into a bathroom, before locking the door. In her hand dangled a clear baggy with flecks of a red powder like substance. “Ever been sand blasted?” She’d asked, nonchalantly. April had tried marijuana a handful of times, but thought nothing of it. On Mindoir, no one ever had access to anything harder. But on the streets of Vancouver where she’d been placed for over a year, having the right connection could get you anything and everything. She’d heard the horror stories of how addicting red sand could be, on how it ruined lives. But her life was already ruined. What more harm could it possibly do? She snatched the bag from Tiffany, her eyes observing the red particles within. _

_ “You can snort it or smoke it. But I have nothing to smoke from right now. Put some on your finger tip, and put it up to your nose and inhale.” _

_ Dipping her index finger in the plastic bag, April scooped some of the contents under her nail. She brought her finger tip before her nose, and without a second thought, inhaled deep. A burning pain shot through her nasal passage and into her throat, but before April could complain, the hairs on her arms stood on end as pleasant waves of euphoria swept through her. Her body slumped against the wall, lungs letting out a quiet gasp, followed by laughter. Light red swirls distorted her vision, and every fiber of her being felt as if she were being swept away into a cloud of warmth. One little hit, and she was on cloud nine. One hit was all it took. Night after night, she snuck away from the house in search of more. One hit was never enough, and the price of red sand was not cheap. She resorted to stealing from her foster family in order to support her habit, and one home became another and another. She never stayed in one place for long. April didn’t even bother to unpack her things when arriving to a new ‘home’. It didn’t bother her, not really. The sand would take all the agony away. All she ever needed was just one hit … _

_ “April?” The doctor’s voice melted in her ears, snapping her away from the vision. April tried looking up, but as she did, cracks formed in the surrounding walls. Light shone through them, distorting her vision. Panic coursed through her veins. She tried to jump out of her seat, but her body seemed to be cemented in place. _

_ “Doctor Mallory, what’s going on?!” She screamed out, but a moment later, all went dark once more. _

* * *

  
  


_ “Next time, you better have enough money.” A man pushed a small plastic bag into her hands, his hood drawn preventing his face from being seen. He turned on his heel, taking off down the dark alleyway. Before she could call after him, he drifted among the shadows. April stared down at her hand, gazing upon the red contents within the bag. She didn’t remember how she got here, but she knew this place. The same place, week after week. A dark alley where the lost and forgotten sought out an escape from cold harsh reality. Drops of rain cascaded down her face from above, and the streets smelled of wet dog and vomit. If only the rain could wash away the pain, as it would the dirt from the streets. April slumped against the wall, a short puff of air moving past her lips. Her eyes burned with unshed tears, the thoughts of a once loving family still lingering in the back of her mind. She couldn’t escape their faces, the memory of their deaths burned into her mind, even in sleep. She needed to forget. Getting high always helped, but the highs never lasted long. She dug a finger into the red dust, scooping up a nail full and inhaled hard. Immediately, her skin tingled within, but she needed something extra tonight. Tonight, just one hit wouldn’t be enough. Her finger sought out more of that magical powder, pressing it to her nose again and again until no contents remained in the bag. Her body buzzed, pleasantly at first, but soon after it seemed as if it were aflame. April shrieked, her insides twisting as rivulets of blood gushed from her nose, her own blood burning like acid. She stumbled out of the alley. All she could see was red. Dropping to her knees, she cried as loud as thunder. _

_ “Hey, are you okay?!” A woman asked from above her. April choked on her words. _

_ “H-help me.” _

_ “Hold on, you’re going to be okay,” the voice spoke as calm as a mother comforting her child. April curled up, holding her knees tight as she squeezed against her insides that protested so violently. Her skin crawled, itching with an intensity that tore at her flesh. Her eyes shut, the world around her growing quieter with each passing second. _

_ Within moments, her suffering ceased. April opened her eyes with caution, meeting bright lights above. Quiet murmurs surrounded her, and as she surveyed the room she had to shield her eyes from the brightness of the lights. She let out a groan as she rolled to her side, her head pounding. _

_ “You nearly died.” _

_ April glanced up. A middle aged man with slick black hair stood at the end of her bed, his fingers swiping over a data pad. “How long have you been using sand?” _

_ She sat up, her movements delayed, feeling as if she ran a hundred mile race. “I don’t remember.” Had it been a month? A year? Time seemed to bleed on and stand still all at once these days. _

_ “It says here that this isn’t your first time with us. Do you have a death wish? Because that’s exactly the route you’re heading towards, young lady.” _

_ His words crept inside of her, as if tiny spiders invading the cracks of a wall. She would have given anything to take the ache away, but did she truly wish death upon herself? Death would be a permanent solution to her grief. But in the same respect, she knew her sorrow would always linger. April was lost, somewhere between the knife’s piercing blade, and the  comfort of a warm embrace. _

_ “I can’t keep doing this,” she sighed, wrapping her arms around herself. _

_ “I’ve contacted your family - “ _

_ “They aren’t my family. They’re my fosters. And from the looks of it, I won’t be with them much longer.” _

_ “Dr. Mallory should also be here shortly. You will need clearance from her before you’re allowed to leave.” _

_ April nodded, and the doctor strolled away without another word. After a few minutes of relative silence, guilt slithered inside her mind. ‘What would Mom and Dad think if they could see you now? And Johnny? He’s not here to save you this time.’ Her thoughts taunted her like daggers, piercing the flesh enough to bleed, but not enough to kill. She didn’t want to be this person anymore. She wanted to be able to look into a mirror and recognise the reflection staring back at her. _

_ “You’ll be back on your feet in no time, soldier.” A familiar voice spoke from down the hallway. The little hairs on the back of April’s neck rose to a point. She climbed off the stiff hospital bed and padded out of the room. The hallway had glass panels separating the beds, leaving the footed area open and exposed. She peered through a few of the stations. Most of the patients lay alone, sleeping soundly. _

_ “Can’t you break me out of here any sooner, Anderson?” _

_ April’s heart caught in her throat. Of course. She’d know that voice anywhere. She took a few steps forward, and stopped at the next bed, peering through. The man that saved her life a year and a half prior stood beside a man whose chest had been wrapped in bandages, a crimson red spot peeking through the middle. She stared at Anderson, unable to tear her eyes away. She hadn’t seen him since her rescue, never thought she would see him again. The injured man caught her gawking and nodded towards her. _

_ “Friend of yours, Captain?” _

_ Anderson’s head turned, his eyes meeting her own. _

_ “I know you from somewhere, don’t I?” _

_ “Yes, sir. You saved my life awhile back. Batarian slavers attacked my colony on  - “ _

_ “Mindoir. Yes, I remember. Your name is April, isn’t it?” His voice warmed and comforted her, just as it had when he’d cradled her to his chest all that time ago. _

_ “That’s right, sir.” _

_ “So formal,” the man in the bunk laughed. “Sure she’s not one of us?” _

_ “Brady here is an Alliance soldier. Took a bullet or two on the field, but he’ll be as good as new any day now.” _

_ “Sounds like it hurts,” April answered. _

_ “This?” Brady waved his arm in front of his chest. “Ah, it’s just a flesh wound. I’ve seen worse.” _

_ “He’s a real hero, this one. Saved my back more times than I’d like to admit.” _

_ “You’re a hero too, sir,” a grin took hold of her face. _

_ “And how have you been, April? I wanted to check in on you, but protocols are pretty strict about children entering the system. They wouldn’t give me a way to reach you. But here you are now.” _

_ April bit her lower lip. How could she tell the man that saved her life that she’d all but thrown it in the trash? The shame festered within her, pulling the strings at her heart, as if a master playing a puppet. So, she lied. “I’ve been fine.” _

_ “Are you here visiting someone?” Anderson raised a brow. _

_ “Well, no. Not really ... “ _

_ “Excuse us a minute, Brady.” _

_ “Yes, sir.” _

_ Anderson placed a hand on April’s back, leading her away from the cot. They turned a corner, taking seats in a secluded area. “I thought maybe you’d be more comfortable talking in private.” _

_ A short sigh left her lungs. “Things have been … hard. I don’t know how to move on with my life after everything that’s happened.” _

_ “Is that why you’re here?” his voice remained genuine, not a hint of judgement laced in his tone. Anderson’s calm and trusting voice reminded her of her Father’s. A man she missed to no end. She needed him now more than ever. April let go of her guilt, and nodded. _

_ “Yes, sir.” _

_ “Please, it’s Anderson to you.” _

_ “That man in there called you Captain.” _

_ “I received a promotion a few months back.” A glimmer of accomplishment shone in his eyes. “But enough about me. Why are you here?” _

_ “I think … I think I had an overdose.” Her eyes shot down to the floor, and she wanted to hide away from his gaze. _

_ “Drugs?” _

_ “Red sand.” _

_ A warm hand squeezed around one of her own. April peered into the welcoming depths of his eyes. _

_ “We’re in control of our own destiny, April. You alone choose your own path.” _

_ “You’re right. I don’t like what I’ve become. And I know my family would hate to see me now. I just … I don’t know what to do with myself. _

_ “Your survival skills are impressive. You were the lone survivor on Mindoir.” _

_ “All I did was hide. Like a coward.” _

_ “You were the only one they didn’t find. You analyzed an impossible situation, and did what it took to survive.” _

_ “Hiding was Johnny’s idea. He’s the one that went off to help the others, while I stayed hidden in that hole in the ground.” _

_ “Johnny was your brother?” _

_ April nodded. _

_ “Well, he’s a damn hero. But sometimes even heroes need to hide in order to fight another day. You’re here now. And you can make a real difference.” _

_ “How?” _

_ “You’ll be eighteen soon, won’t you?” _

_ “In just under six months.” _

_ Anderson pulled out a card from his pocket, and handed it to her. She gazed upon the Alliance logo. _

_ “Get yourself cleaned up, and find yourself a fitness program. Once you turn eighteen, if you’re interested, stop by the Alliance recruitment headquarters. Tell them I sent you.” _

_ “You want me to join the Alliance? Me?” _

_ “Why not you?” _

_ “Well, for one I’m a junkie.” _

_ “You’re not a ‘junkie’. You’re a young woman who lost her way after a terrible tragedy. We’ve all made mistakes. This problem of yours? You can end it, right here, right now. I believe in you.” _

_ Tears sprung to her eyes. “I don’t know what to say.” _

_ “Think about it. Maybe what you need in your life is a new purpose. This could be it.” Anderson rose, and April followed his lead. “I have some things I need to do. But I’m here to help. All my contact info is listed on that card I gave you. _

_ “Thank you, sir.” _

_ “Anderson.” _

_ "Thank you, Anderson.” _

_ Anderson made a small fist, and nudged a knuckle under her chin. “Chin up, soldier.” He smiled, before leaving her with her thoughts. April drifted back to her bed, a warm fuzziness floating about her insides. For whatever reason, his words took root within her, a new dream taking purpose in her mind. Perhaps she could help others, the way that Anderson helped her. For the first time ever, April looked forward to her visit with Doctor Mallory. Things were going to get better. One way or another, she would make her family proud. _

* * *

  
  


_ ‘Take me high and I’ll sing. Oh you make everything okay, okay okay. We are one in the same, oh you take all of the pain away, away, away. Save me if I become my demons.’ -  _ My Demons by Starset

 


	5. Between the Sand and Stone

**_Author’s notes: So many thanks to my two incredible betas - Shink and LordDanerius. The both of you always inspire me to be a better writer :)_ **

* * *

 

Heavy footfalls sounded up and down the intensive care wing. Exhaustion settled into Garrus’ body. He’d endured another long and grueling day out on Vancouver’s rainy streets, helping rebuild what once seemed lost. For months now, he spent his days with the construction teams, getting rid of scrap, or putting together new structures. It wasn’t the same as shooting down a Collector or facing a Reaper, but seeing Earth come together felt just as satisfying in its own way. He’d never been to Earth before the Reaper invasion, but he could nearly picture how beautiful she once was, even if it differed from Palaven’s expanse of silver.

Garrus spent almost every evening sitting with Shepard as she slept. Sometimes he read her notes on his datapad, going over plans of things that he would build. Other times he held her hand in relative silence, grateful to feel her skin against his own -  that she yet breathed was a miracle.

As Garrus rounded the corner, two familiar voices conversed within Shepard’s room. Not wanting to barge into their discussion, he decided to wait for a breath of pause in the conversation.

“How are your students doing?” asked Kaidan.

“Better by the day,” Jack replied. “They’re smart. But they’ve seen some shit. Wish I could tell them it gets better. They survived a war. Watched their families get ripped limb from limb. You never get over something like that. It changes you.”

“You turned out okay.”

“Are you trying to flirt with me, Alenko?”

“Is that what counts as flirting these days? I’ve been out of the loop for so long.” Kaidan laughed.

“Then get back on the horse before it’s dead. Did you even date anyone after you and Shepard … ?”

“Nothing serious.” Kaidan’s words dripped with sadness. “Shepard was special.”

Garrus knew he should leave; this conversation wasn’t intended for him, but a morbid curiosity kept his feet rooted in place.

“Yeah, Queen of the girl scouts has a heart of gold. We all care for her. But you … it’s different with you.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I can see it in that pathetic puppy-eyed look you get every time we’re here together.”

Garrus didn’t particularly feel like hearing any more. Not that he was angry; he and Kaidan worked out their conflicting feelings when it came to Shepard long ago. “So I can’t grieve for a friend?”

“Hey, grieve away. Do what you gotta do to feel better. But you aren’t fooling me with this ‘just friends’ bullsh-”

Jack stopped short as Garrus cleared his throat to announce his presence. Kaidan sat at the edge of Shepard’s bed, but he rose to his feet as Garrus entered. Jack remained seated, her legs casually flung off the side of her chair.

“Hey pal, how you holding up?” Jack asked.

“Seen better days, but I can’t complain.”

“You look like you could use a shower or two,” Kaidan teased, pointing at the dust covering Garrus’ clothing. “How’s the project coming along?”

“We’re just about finished a school. Looks like your students will have a real classroom to sit in soon,” Garrus nodded towards Jack. “Next, the team will be rebuilding another residential lot.”

“We’ve sure come a long way in a year,” Kaidan beamed.

“There better be a kick ass party,” Jack snickered, stretching as she rose.

“The Alliance headquarters are planning a memorial next week on the anniversary of the victory. And there will be a celebration that follows.”

"Now you’re talking!” the biotic woman clasped Kaidan on the shoulder.

“It’s a shame the whole crew won’t be together. Have you heard from the others?” Kaidan raised a brow at Garrus.

“Tali checks in every week or so. Never heard her so happy before. Rannoch seems every bit the dream the quarians always hoped it would be. Liara only sends updates once in awhile. She’s been keeping herself busy.”

“The life of a Shadow Broker, huh?” Kaidan said. “Hope she stops now and then to breathe. I did hear from Wrex last month. He wanted to know how Earth has been coming along. He and Bakara have their hands full, what with all the children they have running around.”

“Wrex as a father. Hmm. Happy for the guy, but I still have trouble picturing it.”

“You think Shepard made the right decision, curing the genophage? Or is that just one more thing that’s going to bite us in the ass later?” Jack folded her arms across her chest.

“I trust in Shepard’s judgement. Wrex is a great leader, many of the krogan will follow his lead.” Garrus said. “And if not, well, he knows how to deal with it. Besides, the mass relays still have a long way to go before they are fully functional. It takes months to get from one system to the other. I doubt any rebels will put in the effort any time soon.”

“Sure hope you’re right.” Jack scoffed. “Alright, well, my break’s pretty much over. Better get back to the kids.”

“I should head back too. Take care, Garrus.”

“Will do,” Garrus nodded, and the two humans parted ways. Garrus took a seat at the edge of Shepard’s bed. He ran a finger across the length of her hand.

“Sure do miss you, Shepard. I miss _us_. You should see Earth now. It’s really pulling together. Vancouver, anyways. Streets are clean. Buildings are everywhere too. Could be home for us. Please, wake up. I know you’re probably tired of me asking,” he chuckled to himself. “I need you, Shepard. Life isn’t the same without your smile, your voice … your kindness. Spirits,” he sighed, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’d give anything to see you look at me again.” A pain deep within his chest manifested the more he continued to think about how lonely he really was without his mate. “You do what you need to do to come back to me. You hear that? That’s an order.”

Garrus leaned forward, nuzzling his forehead to hers. For all the men and women he spent his days with, he felt as the only soul in the universe without her.

* * *

 

A large crowd gathered in the middle of a busy street, surrounding a stage where Admiral Hackett addressed the audience from a podium. For the last hour, he paid respects to a long list of soldiers, both living and deceased, for their efforts in the war. A line of human soldiers, all in their navy blues, stood behind him.

“I would like to address those present who served on the Normandy. Lieutenant Colonel Kaidan Alenko, Major James Vega, Squadron Leader Jeff Moreau, Specialist Samantha Traynor, Lieutenant Steve Cortez, Jennifer ‘Jacqueline’ Nought, and Garrus Vakarian. Would you please join me on stage?”

Garrus climbed the few steps leading up to the stage, alongside his former comrades. He’d never been one who particularly liked the recognition that came with his newfound fame, but he knew he had something to be proud of. He did however, feel slightly misplaced among a group of decorated humans from the Alliance.

Joker hobbled up the steps behind the rest of them, taking the extra time he needed with his limp. It was nice to see him in his uniform. The few times he’d come to visit Shepard, he looked as if he hadn’t slept in weeks, with disheveled hair and dark circles around his eyes. Garrus noted he did look exhausted, but better than the last time he’d seen him.

Hackett shook each of their hands, and turned to the audience again. “Each of these fine soldiers served directly under Commander April Shepard.” The crowd erupted in applause at Shepard’s name, which filled Garrus with pride. “Without their efforts, none of us would be here today. May we never forget their sacrifices, and the sacrifices of those whose lives were lost in the battle - Captain David Anderson among them. Anderson was the first captain of the SSV Normandy, and remains one of the most decorated soldiers the Alliance has ever seen. He was a fine soldier, one of the best I had the pleasure of knowing. Let us bow our heads in silence, in memory to those brave men and women no longer standing with us.”

Garrus closed his eyes, and although Hackett had meant for them to take the moment to remember the deceased, Shepard came to mind. She wasn’t among those standing now. She lay in a hospital bed, somewhere between life and death. Garrus wished she could be up there with the rest of them, that she could see all the people who yet breathed because of her.

“On behalf of the Alliance, we thank you all for coming out today. Please enjoy your evening.” Hackett saluted the soldiers, and exited the stage, the rest of them dispersing amongst themselves. When Garrus stepped off the platform, Cortez sauntered up beside him.

“Long time no see, Garrus.”

“Cortez, how have you been?”

“Good. I was assigned to New York a few months back on a temp job. Funny, I kind of love it out there. I’m even thinking about becoming a permanent resident.”

“Never been, but I trust that it’s a nice place.”

“It is. Before the war, it was a big tourist spot. Always something to do in New York, especially now that it looks almost as good as new.”

“I suppose I’ll have to take Shepard sometime when she gets better.”

“Absolutely. The Commander will love it.”

Cortez’s words tugged at his heart. So few people referred to Shepard as if she were still alive, always using the past tense to describe her. But Cortez spoke to him with nothing but positivity in regards to her state. It moved Garrus.

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“Anyways, I should get back to my date.”

“A date, hmm?”

“Yeah. I met him shortly after I was stationed in New York. He’s a local there.”

“One of the reasons you’re planning on staying there?”

“Hah. Maybe. His name is Omari. He used to be a car salesman, but he’s been helping out with the reconstruction in the city. The way things have been going, he might be able to open up a new shop soon.” Cortez smiled from ear to ear.

“I’m glad you found someone.”

“I’m not the only one, look at Traynor.” Cortez nodded his head to the left. Garrus turned in the direction. Samantha held hands with a red haired woman. He couldn’t hear them from where he stood, but he could see the way her cheeks lifted nearly to her eyes in laughter.

“She seems happy. You both do.”

“I can’t speak for Traynor, but I can definitely say I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.”

“Good. We all deserve to find happiness after what we’ve been through.”

“That goes for you too. Chin up, Garrus. Shepard will be back to her old self in no time.” The human pat his shoulder, before turning on his heel to find his date.

* * *

 

Garrus wandered the streets. He’d meant to catch up with Joker after Hackett’s presentation to check in on his old friend, but he was nowhere to be seen. It said a lot that he at least made an appearance - if it had been shortly after their return to Earth, Garrus had a feeling that Joker would have foregone the event all together.

A band had taken to the stage, playing music for the crowd. The music lifted the mood from the solemn tone of the Admiral’s speech. People danced before the stage, joining in with lyrics that Garrus didn’t recognise. Still he watched, taking comfort in the joy that surrounded him. Just over a year ago, all this would seem impossible. Debris covered the ground with every step taken, and now? The streets were clean, buildings erected, and people laughed once more. They still had a long ways to go, but in time, the world would rebuild itself anew.

“Vakarian.”

Garrus tilted his head to the side. Alexander Edwards, a burly human who had been leading his construction team stepped up beside him. “Enjoying your evening?”

“Yes, sir.” Garrus nodded. “Hard to believe that this is the same city I landed on last year. It looks nothing short of a miracle.”

“It’s all thanks to people like you. You’ve really shown leadership these last few months.”

“It was nothing.”

“Maybe it seems like nothing for a guy who helped saved the world,” Edwards smirked, taking a swig from a flask. “You’ve done some excellent work here. In fact, I have an offer for you.”

“Sir?”

“Vancouver has come a long way. Sure, it needs a little more polish. But, there are some cities around Earth that are still in bad shape. My team has taken a contract in Los Angeles. I want you to lead the team.”

“Why me?”

“My guys, they listen to you. They respect you. Truth be told, not everyone who jumps in to help is exactly qualified. We appreciate all the help we can get, but I need someone who I can trust to get things done right. If you were to be in charge, let’s just say - you’d get results. People will follow you. And that’s exactly what Los Angeles needs. I’ve seen some of the vids, it could use your help.”

“With all due respect, I’m needed here.”

“You're referring to your lady?”

It wasn’t often that people referred to Shepard as something other than Commander, but Edwards was a little rough around the edges, and Garrus knew he meant well. The turian nodded.

“You won’t be gone forever. Plus, you’ll be making nearly three times what I can pay you here.”

“It’s not about the money. Look, Edwards, I appreciate the offer. But I can’t leave. If Shepard wakes up, and I’m not there - “

“Don’t give me an answer tonight. It’s been a long day. Just sleep on it Vakarian, will you?”

“Guess I can do that.”

“See ya tomorrow, bud.”

As Edwards strut off towards a liquor vendor, uneasiness washed over the turian. He wandered without aim down a rock strewn path, his thoughts muddled. Could he choose to do something good at the cost of leaving Shepard? If she were awake, she’d tell him to do the ‘right thing’. But the thought of leaving her felt wrong. A ragged breath left Garrus’ mouth. He needed another perspective, a friend who could empathize with him. He turned on his heel, heading toward one of the fully inhabited apartment blocks.

* * *

“Garrus? What are you doing here?” Kaidan perked a brow, stepping back to let the turian enter his home.

“Sorry for the unannounced visit. I … well, I guess I need some advice.”

“Do you want something? A beer?”

“No. Thanks.”

“Maybe that’s for the best. I haven’t exactly stocked up on any dextro spirits lately.” The human grinned, taking a seat in a black lounging chair. Garrus sat on the sofa opposite to him. “So what’s going on?”

“I need to talk to you, about Shepard.” Kaidan’s face pinked and he jerked one arm across to the other.

“Is this about what Jack asked me in the hospital earlier? I didn’t mean anything by what I said.”

“No, it’s not that.” Garrus shook his head. “We buried that hatchet between us long ago. No need to explain yourself.” The human biotic sat back against the chair, and Garrus continued. “My boss wants to send me to Los Angeles to lead a new construction team. He says things are still pretty bad over there. He’s even offered more than twice what they’re paying me now.”

“Sounds like a nice opportunity.”

“Yeah. It does. There’s a lot of things I could do with the extra credits, for Shepard and I both.”

“But you don’t want to leave her.”

Garrus sighed. “How could I? I know that everyone thinks I’m crazy. The doctors, our friends. But what if she wakes up, and I’m not there? What if one of her old enemies comes for her, and no one’s there to protect her?”

“Shepard’s enemies are stretched all across the galaxy, if they’re not dead. With the state the galaxy is in, I don’t think you have much to worry about there. If it would make you more comfortable, I can arrange to have someone stationed outside her door. I’m sure the hospital’s security wouldn’t mind making the extra credits.”

“I guess we could arrange that. But that doesn’t address how Shepard would feel if she wakes up, and I’m not there.”

The human sat forward. “You really love her, don’t you?”

“You’re just realising this now?”

Kaidan chuckled. “No. I just know I would have done the same if our roles were reversed. It puts me at ease, knowing she has someone like you.” The human paused, taking a sip from a glass of water on his end table before setting it back down. ““What do you think will happen if she wakes up? That she’ll think you abandoned her? This is Shepard we’re talking about. She would understand, Garrus. This opportunity you’ve been given? You’ll be doing a good thing. It’s not as if you’re running off to be with another woman. You are helping us restore Earth. _Her_ Earth. Don’t you think she’ll be proud of all you’ve done for us humans? You could have left to go back at Palaven at any given time. But you stuck here with her people. Besides, you’ll just be a shuttle ride away.”

“So, you’re saying I should take the offer?”

“I’m saying that if you take the offer, you’ll have no reason to feel guilty. It might even do you some good to get away for awhile. Shepard’s in good hands, Garrus.”

“Thanks, Kaidan. Appreciate the advice.” Garrus rose to his feet, and Kaidan followed him back to the door. “I better get some shut eye. Long day ahead of me tomorrow.”

“You and me both. Take care, Garrus. And let me know what you decide, alright?”

“Of course.”

* * *

 

The city grew less clamorous as Garrus treaded towards his residence, the evening's events dying down as the night progressed. He was relieved to have a friend to share his fears with, even if he wasn’t someone who typically reached out for advice. He always faced his problems head on, not wanting to place his own burdens onto others. He valued Kaidan’s opinion on the matter. When it came to Shepard, they were like-minded in that they both deeply cared for her best interests. Still, his mind wasn’t made up.

Garrus knew he ought to climb into bed and catch some much needed sleep, but instead wandered down to a nearby creek to reflect on all Kaidan and Edwards said. Moonlight glistened off of the water, and a gentle breeze picked up a few leaves, leading them to dance in circles at Garrus’ feet. He took in the sight before him, revelling in the beauty that Earth still held, even after war had ravaged her to near extinction. It was a sight he wanted to share with his mate. Vancouver looked almost as good as new, and yet, many of Earth’s cities still lay in shambles. Not every person on Earth could sit outside and take in the serenity of a view like the one set out before him. What if there was a place that had potential to be even more beautiful than this? What if Garrus could offer Shepard a home, in a city of her choosing? And what of those around the world, whose lives were still on pause because of their terrible living conditions? Thinking of the possibilities set his mind to purpose. Garrus knew what he had to do.

* * *

  
Warmth radiated from Shepard’s skin as Garrus caressed one of her hands. He studied her fair skin, the contrast of her dark hair against it. The way her eyelids fluttered in her slumber. The sweet scent that permeated from her. Garrus took in all the little things about Shepard that once, he may have taken for granted. He sat at the edge of her bed, holding her hand tight.

“I have some news, Shepard.” The turian sighed, a tight knot forming in his chest. “I’m going to be leaving for awhile. There are people on Earth that still have it real bad. I think … I think they need me more than you do right now.” His own words burned him like a shot of ryncol ravaging his insides. “I don’t know if you can hear me or not. Spirits, this is even harder than I thought it would be.” His chest heaved, and he ran the back of his free hand down her cheek. “The worst part about this is not knowing when I’ll get to see you again. But I promise, as soon as I’m done my work in Los Angeles, I’ll be right back at your side. Have you ever seen Los Angeles, Shepard? They tell me it used to be beautiful. I’m going to bring that back. Whatever it takes.” Garrus rose reluctantly, bending forward so he could whisper in her ear.

“You’ll find a way to wake up Shepard. We’re still in this together. And when you wake up, I’ll be waiting for you.”

* * *

 

 

 _‘_ _Days go on forever, but I have not left your side. We can chase the dark together, i_ _f you go then so will I._ _I keep holding onto you, but I can't bring you back to life. Sing the anthem of the angels, and say the last goodbye.’_ \- Anthem of the Angels, by Breaking Benjamin.

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my first ever Mass Effect multi chapter story. This is gonna be a bit of a ride! Those who know me from the Dragon Age fandom should expect something completely different than my usual work.
> 
> Any lyrics I may use at the end to sum up a chapter do not belong to me, and I will credit them to their artists. And of course, Bioware owns all rights to Mass Effect and their characters. I am but a fan, playing with the ideas swarming my head :)
> 
>  
> 
> Many thanks go to my beta The Scribbly Knave for being her usual awesome self, and to Lord Danerius for the input in this brief chapter. I hope many of you stick around for the rest, I have been planning this story out for over a year and thus, it will be very close to my heart. Our dear Shepard and Garrus deserve a happy ending, but expect many bumps along the way!


End file.
